My kids are the most beautiful, brilliant, charming, witty, well-mannered and accomplished beings ever to grace the screens of Facebook, WordPress, Twitter and Instagram.
Well, at least I think so. And I’m not shy about sharing news and photos of their achievements – though I do try to limit my posts to 25 or 30 per day.
Apparently other moms and dads out there aren’t as restrained in their online boasting about awe-inspiring offspring. In fact, many are not only more prolific in their sharing, they’re also much less discriminating about what they choose to share. So what’s a civilized person to do about it? Well, start a blog, of course! Namely, Shut The F*** Up, Parents, which has now become a book.
But even with such public shaming of the most egregious offenders, it doesn’t seem to be getting better. In fact, as new and improved types of social media arrive, it’s just getting worse. So now, a proud mom isn’t limited to Tweeting or posting Facebook albums of her daughter’s star turn as “Second Sailor on Boat” in the middle school play. She could also treat the world to countless Instagrams and six-second video Vines of said daughter’s performance!
Not that I would, but I could.
You know, if I were that kind of parent…
Bragging Rights — and Wrongs
Do it, parents, as you please —
You celebrate those victories:
The first word when he learns to talk!
That first step when he starts to walk!
When junior learns his ABCs
Or ties his tiny shoes with ease,
Of course a brag or two’s allowed
From parents who are mighty proud.
And when he brings home mostly A’s,
It’s your full right to lavish praise;
Or when his team has won some game,
His skill at sport you must proclaim.
We’ll listen and we’ll chime in, too,
Congratulating him – and YOU!
We’ll even look at pics you shot –
But some things you do, we cannot.
For instance, don’t expect us to
Exclaim in joy to hear from you
About the time HE BURPED! a bit,
Got HIS FIRST RASH! or HIS FIRST ZIT!
And when your kiddo’s feeling sick,
I’m sorry, but don’t post a pic.
That slimy, greenish nose he’s got?
You say it’s cute — but no. It’s snot.
And when you talk about his poop?
(The body functions, as a group,
We’d much prefer that you avoid)
That kind of crap gets us annoyed.
As for awards that he receives,
We’ll look at them — though we believe
Rewarding “School Attendance Skill”
Might qualify as overkill.
I guess the lesson here would be
That moderation’s really key.
Lest you commit it, please BEWARE —
Don’t risk Parental Overshare.
©2013 Carlotta Eike Stankiewicz